MTTRN

I’ve always contemplated suicide. I’ve never actually told anyone that. I don’t think I’ve attempted to do so because of what would happen to me if I failed. Isn’t that a sick thing to think. I wouldn’t want to be treated any differently. Even though I need treatment, I’m so afraid to go back to it because of what it would mean. Failure. A slap in the face forcing me to handle my feelings like an adult instead of hiding them from everyone. No one knows me. And I consider the fact that I never knew or will know myself. I do not want the friends I have right now. They are not people who I would ever seek to befriend. Just occupying my time until I’m ready to face reality.

“I don’t like most of you. I just don’t know if I can be alone right now.”

Shit is complicated when you realize you’re thinking so much about another person and contemplating whether or not that means they’re thinking about you too. I’m talking about people you know, have met. Does that sustained focused energy transmit itself to the recipient? Like a thought vortex?

Kind of a hypothetical question I suppose, but something I’ve always thought about. I believe things work this way and have believed in that since childhood. I used to be forced to spend a lot of time in church. And the whole time just trying to figure out how to fill my mind with alternate thoughts. Never really wanting to live in reality even when I wasn’t in church, this applied for school as well. But sometimes I would choose one person and focus all my energy and concentration on them. Obsessively. Trying to interpret if they would notice or not. I still do this. Still not sure if it works.

Going forward I’m not sure if I could ever try to control or force what comes out of this mind or these hands. Its something that I cannot control, but sometimes just forcing myself to move my small fingers around a key board makes me feel better. I haven’t come up with anything creative in a while and have been totally void of creativity. Thoughts are never continuous and I’m constantly struggling with myself to stay on a “topic”. Tonight just brought up feelings of being in a foreign body. Not sure what ever created this unhappiness or if Ill ever outlive the misery that lives within each cell of my being.

Panic attacks that is. Waves of anxiety over my body and limb’s gone numb. I’m not sure if I remember what it feels like to think straight - to create some worthwhile text. Seems impossible at this point. I’ve strayed from everything that once made me feel better. Going through the motions just to realize 5-7 years later that I’m the same person I’ve been running from. Nothing has gotten better, it has just changed in the way it’s manifested.